Aurora Leigh.

Yes,
Perhaps, O friend, I set you up so high
Above all actual good or hope of good,
Or fear of evil, all that could be mind,
I haply set you above love itself,
And out of reach of these poor woman's arms,
Angelic Robby.

If only Hallmark made a 'Thank God You Let Me Molest You' card...

...this would be the image on the cover. Complete with surprised faces.

More Precious Moments.

Blasphemy.

I just read a terrible/up-my-alley joke that I wanted to share:

-Why couldn't Jesus eat M&Ms?

-Because they kept falling through his hands.

prayforme.

Grocery store.

So today I wore heels, because it wasn't below zero. Also because I felt like wearing heels. This particular pair happens to be my favorite, because they're brown and the perfect height and really (genuinely) comfortable. You know which ones I'm talking about. Not the plaid ones. The other ones.

After I got done having my car battery changed, I went to the Rainbow in Uptown, and I was feeling good. You know, striding a little. Maybe even sauntering. I looked nice. I was actually wearing makeup. Believe it. As I was walking across the front of the store, I suddenly lost my footing and grabbed on to the nearest available item to steady myself.

This happened to be a shopping cart. In a line of other shopping carts. Of which seven rolled away into the sliding doors and made a horrendous crashing noise.

I decided to use a basket for my shopping instead.

Dee-aay-but-tees?

Alert!

Be watching your mail.
I forgot to include a note.
It's from me.
Love you!

A Blaffair to Rememblack.

This is why you miss cold weather.

If this doesn't entice you to return to the frozen North, nothing ever will. This isn't a pair of footie pyjamas as much as it's a sack with feet and sleeves. SEXY.

Flu shot.

"They said it was a flu shot, but I know it was really a truth serum."

"It's not a truth serum."

"Then why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today?"

WHERE'S MY SANDWICH?

I don't know how, but you're going to get me another sandwich. Or I'm going to cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin. YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!

Apology.

I am sorry about what happened with meankeifanthem.

Texas may be bigger, but I'm willing to wager that it is not be better, because:

it does not appear that there are any kitty kliniks here.

Plate or Platter?

Because you, children, are crackheads.

I just watched your favorite episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

The only place where you can make everything "bigger" and pretend that you're not overcompensating for something.

Ok, so it is official. I have 30 days to become a Texan. I am legally required to do these things over the course of the next month, or I will by lynched if I am caught south of the Oklahoma border.
- Purchase & wear a cowboy hat (preferably one that makes my already small head appear miniscule).
- Consistently combine the words "you" and "all" into one word.
- Begin to refer to everything as being "bigger" here. Occasionally throw in "better," for good measure.
- Purchase some kind of firearm (naturally, the "bigger" the better).
- Inform anyone that I know that is not a resident of the Lone Star State that they are not allowed to mess with it. Or me.
- Change my voter registration to Republican.
- Display some kind of Pro-Life statement on my newly acquired Pickup Truck.
- Eat more barbecue.
- Accessorize my new cowboy boots with an oversized belt buckle.
- Eat larger-than-average-sized toast.
- Purchase more shorts.

Well, fortunately for you (and me), I am a proud Midwesterner, and I will not be doing most of these things. Even if this qualifies as "messing with Texas," I am willing to take my chances. I am fine with the oversized toast though. That will be ok.