Baseball Season.

I would just like to point out that, unlike the other people in my life, I have failed to mention baseball to you at all this season (until right this second). I have also kept my promise and not made you watch baseball with me. Not word one did I speak about my (mildly) successful fantasy team, Team Steve Holt!. And I recently displayed extreme restraint when not mentioning how I WENT TO THE AL CENTRAL TIEBREAKER on Tuesday night OMG OMG OMG.



And I'm not going to explain to you now how absolutely exhilarating it was to be there for ALL TWELVE INNINGS OF AMAZING BASEBALL DURING WHICH I PRACTICALLY DID NOT BREATHE NORMALLY OR SIT DOWN AT ALL. I certainly won't mention how I jumped up and down frantically when WE CLINCHED THE DIVISION AND THE METRODOME FULL OF PEOPLE ERUPTED INTO A WAVE OF NOISE.



Nope, I will keep my word. Noooo baseball talk from me.



But I can't promise the same for next season.

Birfday!

My dearest darling Dr. Rob,

Today is your birthday. You are officially old. I'd tell you that you could feel free to break out the orthopedic shoes and bifocals... except I know you've already equipped yourself with those items. We do need to talk about you wearing them out in public - you're not THAT old yet.

On a more serious note, let's talk about me. Well, since it's your birthday, I'll try not to make this TOTALLY about me. Let's talk about us.

We have known each other for... a long time. I'd ask you how long now, but we're both too old to remember. I wish that I could be with you to celebrate, but in my absence, a cake that looks like someone's spine will have to suffice.

Here's to many more years of poop jokes, Disney references, inappropriate touching and using sports catchphrases that neither of us really understand (but don't know enough to know that).

I love you.

xoxo

p.p.

Season Two: starts off with witty one-liners.

"I am a diuretic seagull, people. Everything goes through me."

Bones.

i love that you love it.

Music Snobbery Just Ain't What it Used to Be.

The Symphony Gives Me a Headache too, Sometimes

Acute Rondometrialencephalocytis: Sudden swelling of the cells of the inner lining of the brain due to the last movement of a sonata.

Not a Tu-mah

Robby: "Well, whatever it is, you need to put some ice on it, because it's swollen."
Dazed Katy: "But where?"

:)

(In)activity.

My dearest Dr. Rob,

Today I had a flashback to that time I cut my French class to have lunch with you at Atlas. When did we stop going to Atlas? I think I know why.

Also I thought about that time that we hung out at Sue's house and watched Heroes for hours, limbs sprawled all over the couches and floor.

Were we ever really that active? I mean, did we DO things together? Other than consume large quantities of alcohol and/or food? And talk about Disney movies?

I would skip class any time to do nothing with you.

xoxo

p.p.

Top 5 Reasons for Katy to Move to Austin

1) Bats
http://www.austincityguide.com/content/congress-bridge-bats-austin.asp

2) Nude Beaches
http://www.hippiehollow.com/

3) Solar-Powered Parking Meters
http://solar.coolerplanet.com/News/19310331-austin's-parking-meters-run-with-solar-power.aspx

4) Hot, Hot Heat
http://www.climate-charts.com/Locations/u/US72254004104281.php

5) Robby!
http://www.hausmanchiropractic.com

Like Italians to a gold chain.

You: so why are you not attending UT for grad school?

Me: because i have no desire to move to texas. also i own too many sweaters and hate football.

Wit.

Robby: I like my coffee like I like my women.

Katy: Hot and with a spoon in them?

(Actual answer: Ground up and in the freezer - but a good guess, nevertheless!)

A Suppository of Katy.

Mornin' precious p.p.

So I've been spending a very productive morning looking at your mobile uploads on facebook, remembering fondly how your cleverness puts a twinkle in my eye and a crack in my ass.

I wish that I could be treated to at least one Katy-ism a day. Every morning. To start my day off well. Sort of like a daily suppository. Or something similar. Like a slow release gel-cap. One of those blue-green ones. But hopefully easier to swallow. I hear the effects of crystal meth last a loooong time, so maybe kind of like that, but with less tooth-damage. But I suppose I am getting off topic.

Basically what it comes down to is that I want to take the funny things you say and stick them up my ass at least once a day.

Make it happen. I believe in you like Home-School children believe in Ron Paul.

Love,
W-E-E-N

NPH makes me feel dirty.

PussPaw: ween!

Dr. Rob

i was just hoping you were going to sign on!!

how are you?

monkeyfart.

PussPaw

when are you coming back?

when

when

when

when?

Dr. Rob

haha

hopefully before the snow falls!

PussPaw

blerg

Dr. Rob

so next week then seems like my last option

PussPaw

that is not a very precise answer

Dr. Rob

haha

PussPaw

probably

though you are very succinct in your response it is less than satisfying

(that's what she said)

Dr. Rob

haha

hahaha

teehee

have you ever watched the Big Bang Theory?

PussPaw

no

JB was just telling me about that

show

he was telling me about that show

why do you ask?

Dr. Rob

because i just watched the first disc of season one

and i enjoy it

PussPaw

i went through a brief how i met our mother phase thanks to JB

of which i have since cured myself

Dr. Rob

brief and taudry?

has your affair ended?

PussPaw

yes

it was both brief and tawdry

i felt cheap and used once it was over

A charming Thursday afternoon.

My dearest darling Dr. Rob,

It's starting to edge toward fall here, though I doubt you'd know it where you are. This last weekend I enjoyed myself so much that I worked on a two-day hangover--this marked the first time that this has happened to me since you lived in the apartment on Johnson and Jefferson.

I used to think of that apartment every time I drove home, back when I lived on Lucas and Jefferson. Everything about that apartment seemed perfect. Even that ridiculous chair that never seemed to stop sinking when people sat in it. Even that time that Bert and I broke a bottle of vodka on your floor but couldn't get the fridge to move. Or the fact that you didn't have a dishwasher or (much) guest parking.

Dolen Place just never seemed that comfortable to me.

I miss you every, every day.

xoxo
p.p.

...but I just wanna dance.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/73383/30-rock-jennas-spotlight

I wanted the Muffin Top song, but this is good too.

I like being reminded not to poop on public transportation.

Don't touch it if you're human. Don't touch it if you're a car.

Story of our lives.

Gimme Yer Fingernails.

Well, I talked to Moonvest over at CBS.

Silly Asians

Musings.

I fell off of the 18 bus yesterday getting off at Orchestra Hall to go to Brit's. In front of, like, 50 people. My ankle is the size of a grapefruit.

My ego is the size of a pea.

Opposite! Opposite! Opposite!

I am so glad Dr. Spaceman was in this episode. Also MJB, CA and EC.

Attention!

Ahem. That is all.

Professional Athletes.

My dearest Dr. Rob,

This evening I had the pleasure of venturing to Williams, which apparently is a peanut bar in Uptown. I was aware of its existence but had never before been, and though I wasn't feeling well, I went to enjoy the company of my friends.

It reminded me a lot of the Sports Column. And not necessarily in a good way. Though, to be fair, I am a big fan of places where you throw your trash on the floor, provided that I don't have to be the one to clean up afterward. I would have enjoyed it considerably more had I not been feeling miserable. They played 'Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy'. I'll give you ten bucks if you can name the person of whom that song always makes me think. It's not difficult.

Shortly after our arrival, we noticed several guys on their cellphones yelling "DUDE JARED ALLEN IS HERE (insert male equivalent of OMG here)!!!!" I don't know who that is, but I texted Kent to ask. Instead of explaining it to me, he told me he'd give me $50 if I could get his autograph.

And you know how I like easy money.

So now I've got $50 coming to me, and I 'earned' it in a way that minimized embarrassment to me and my party. Buy you dinner the next time you're here?

xoxo,
p.p.

Jesus of Nazareth.

It is indeed fanstastic news that you and Jack Donaghy have the same birfday. I might have guessed it though, because you both share the same fashion sense and low, rumbly voice.

How were the celebrations? I am planning on giving you a call tomorrow, but it seems that you have a big-kid job, and I feel as though you will not be able to speak with me, as most people (except my mommy) can not speak with me during the business working day.

I will be coming to visit Minneapolis once the frigid tongue of winter stops performing cunnilingis all over those great Twin Cities.

You can't prove that's the governor's semen.

Miss you much, like Janet Jackson.
Also, love will never do without you, Antonio Sabato Jr. in a giant hamster ball on the beach.
We are a part of the rhythm nation.

Love,
rw

Apparently.

Also I would like to point out that last week's episode of 30 Rock aired on Thursday (as it normally does) and it was celebrating Jack's birthday.

Jack Donaghy and I have the same birthday.

Let us remember this next year and celebrate appropriately.

Comments on the weather and other such nonsense.

Currently I'm preparing for a party. For what, you ask? For that thing that happened yesterday. I think you were supposed to be in attendance. I am cognisant of the distance between us and the financial restrictions under which you currently find yourself... but I can't help but wish that you were here.

The weather was bitterly, bitingly cold this morning as I walked to work. I started a new job. That's right... I am officially a grown-up. With a salary. And an official job title that doesn't involve food service. This is simultaneously thrilling and terrifying.

I cut my hair very, very short. Every day it grows on me. (Funny, right? But no, it's actually true. I like it more and more every day and have gotten to the point where I may be in love with my hair.)

Tonight my plan is to see what happens. I'm not anticipating anything monumental but I am nonetheless excited to have people over.

I miss you every, every day.

xoxo
p.p.

Presipice.

*Dearest Felicia Fellatio,

I am writing to apologise for my absence. As it turns out, starting a business requires some time here and there. Oh, and money. Lots and lots of money. Egads!

What did Amerigo Vespucci do?

What's a hamhock exactly?

What does "ollie ollie oxen free" mean?

These are things I've been wondering.

*Chester da Molestings

Funcooker?

Speech?

So this weekend I will be returning to the thriving metropolis from which I was birthed to see LittleSisterMegan's final high school play. I am actually really excited to skip town for a weekend--my first weekend away since I started my 'big girl schedule'. Impromptu high school reunions are expected on BOTH Friday and Saturday nights, and my parents have made clear that my presence in church is mandatory on Sunday morning.

Kent and I are carpooling, but he's driving so I will be without transportation for the duration of my stay. It's like I really am regressing back to high school--no car, staying at my parents, seeing teachers. It's weird, but good.

Also it is SO your turn to write on the blog. Good god, man.

Morning Sickness.

My dearest Dr. Rob,

I love that you quoted Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Next thing you know, you'll be listening to La Boheme and asking me which Rembrandt I think best accompanies your living room's decor. (My answer to that will always remain The Polish Rider.) Get psyched for next year's Messiah performance. I'm thinking next time around we'll go to Saint Paul.

Also I think that Ajarapoo is pretty much the greatest last name ever. I had a T.A. freshman year whose name was Sunday Goshit. Spelled exactly like that. He asked us on the first day to refrain from making jokes about his first name. FIRST NAME. And I was all like, done and done, buddy.

Yesterday I woke up and threw up. And then I was immediately hungry again, so I ate something. And then I threw up again. And then I was starving. I think I am either pregnant or have a tapeworm. Or I have a pregnant tapeworm. Or I'm pregnant with a tapeworm fetus.

Thank you for not forgetting about me.

xoxo
p.p.

Important Information

Hello again,

I must tell you this: one of Ryan's coworker's names is:

Philip Ajarapoo.

He goes by "Phil," but it works either way.

Sound it out.

Acute Gonococcal Endometritis

Dearest Katy,

I knowest that thou hast thinketh I hath forgotten aboutest thou. Howevereth, tis far from the fanciful truthiness!

Methinks the merriful thoughts ofst thou in The Brothels of the Coldest City on Earth est hilarious.

Yours truly hath shat in his undergarments on twice occasions in dost last several fortnights. This est unfortunate.

What wouldn't Jesus do?
Dr. Phil



"Let no one till his death Be called unhappy. Measure not the work Until the day's out and the labour done."

VZW Navigator's ethnicity?

CONTINOOAWN.

Boys' Night Out.

So first things first.

My friend Joey is leaving for the Navy in four days. I have begged him endlessly to alter his decision, and unfortunately he continues to posit that this represents the best possible move for him at this moment.

I disagree. However, I am attempting to be a supportive friend.

Today, he and our friend Sam arrived in the thriving frigid metropolis in which I currently reside (a city in which you no longer live, just in case you had forgotten) sometime in the early evening. Kent had planned a quiet evening of drinking and merriment for himself, his cousin, Sam, Joey, and me, starting with dinner at a burger joint then relocating to The Library to socialize and check out the local wildlife.

Things were all going according to plan until from nowhere, someone SOMEWHERE in the bar yells 'STRIP CLUB!' This of course planted the seed of BOOBS in the heads of the four gentlemen I was with, and I can hardly blame them. We left the bar about an hour before last call and headed to Deja Vu downtown, where I quickly learned that strip clubs don't vaguely resemble that scene I love so from Varsity Blues.

THEY ARE EXACTLY ALIKE.

Five minutes in the door, Joey buys himself a hundred-dollar lapdance and heads upstairs with a charming young lady (whose name I didn't quite catch). We see him sparingly through the rest of the night and at one point resort to taking away his credit card.

Anyway, my personal favorite moment of the evening was when the five of us were approached by a dancer, who greeted us warmly with 'How are we doing tonight, gentlemen?' before realizing one of us was, in fact, female. This error would have been easy enough to cover up, but (and not to stereotype) I'm pretty sure this particular woman was neither in the appropriate frame of mind nor intelligent enough to avoid babbling apologies when she discovered that HEY YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH TITS AT THIS TABLE.

Guess I really am just one of the boys now.

If you were here.

My precious, charming Dr. Rob,

So things are warmer here (and warmer is obviously a relative concept, since I'm applying it to previous weather patterns in this area, as compared to your radically different climate zone) but it's been raining. Not the good, warm rain, but the kind that keeps your clothes wet for hours afterward and chills you to the bone.

I can see downtown from my window at work and the buildings look angry, silhouetted concrete on a monotone dishwater sky. They are staring pointedly at me, telling me that TODAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY, and I am inclined to not argue the point. If you were here today, this would be a day to snuggle on your extra-long couch and keep each other warm. I think today would be one of those days that MCB would decide that she doesn't like me and I would spend half an hour trying to woo her with little result.

If you were here today, we would probably eat pad thai and you'd make me watch The Soup. We would probably go to Spyhouse at some point and sit in our booth reading our respective books/magazines, stopping every once in a while to say something funny and giggle. If you were here, today would be a day where we both felt low and decided just to wallow, speaking when we felt like it without necessarily saying anything of import.

Do you remember the day that you just crawled into my bed and didn't leave? That is my today. And I wish you were here to lie next to me.

Mas!

Also, since I live so close to Mexico now, and since English is language numero dos down here, I was wondering if you managed to catch that Sabor de Soledad now contains more bull semen.

Puss Paw (Print)

Your last post was great. But I don't have time to think of anything clever. I must nap in the A.C. So once again, I will post a meaningful meaningless picture.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, hello, darling. I didn't see you there. In That Place That You've Moved To. Where you are doing Things That You Don't Tell Me About.

So, my darling Dr. Rob, how have you been? I must admit I am both relieved and disappointed that you didn't get to see my mother, as I would have been able to live vicariously through both of you. Things are progressing well here. I got a new shift at work and have acquired several other additional tidbits (that I choose not to reveal through the blog). For those details you will have to CALL, yes, CALL, me.

They are very interesting indeed.

Recently I have found myself imagining what could have possibly kept you from a) updating the blog b) texting me every time you had a good poo or c) quoting 30 Rock in a variety of different methods of communication. These are the choices running through my head:

1. You have joined a cult, shaved your head and now wear orange, but cannot be prevailed upon to use any sort of communicative device because it indicates devil worship.
-Thoughts on this: I like orange. This may be mildly forgivable, as I KNOW how much you love JC.
2. Your cell has broken and through some strange twist of fate you find yourself the victim of identity theft by some Nigerian prince, bankrupting you AND RYAN of all of your moneys and leaving you unable to replace your phone.
-Thoughts on this: You know that Tracy Jordan has already helped the de-throned Nigerian prince regain his title. Thus, you should have known better.
3. You have decided to run off and join a traveling sex circus, where you ride elephants and horses and tigers oh my! And occasionally they carry you around too.
-Thoughts on this: There is no excuse for this. Being a carny does not excuse you from picking up your new, probably garishly-yellow and covered in fuzzy polka dots clown phone and sending a simple 'I can't talk right now, since Leo needs his 5 o'clock feeding' text.

Please tell me if any of these are correct. You know how much I love being right.

xoxo
your non-doctoral pusspaw.

Geniuses.

Mhmm?

So last night I got drunk at my company party? At my boss's three-story manse on the lake?

Aurora Leigh.

Yes,
Perhaps, O friend, I set you up so high
Above all actual good or hope of good,
Or fear of evil, all that could be mind,
I haply set you above love itself,
And out of reach of these poor woman's arms,
Angelic Robby.

If only Hallmark made a 'Thank God You Let Me Molest You' card...

...this would be the image on the cover. Complete with surprised faces.

More Precious Moments.

Blasphemy.

I just read a terrible/up-my-alley joke that I wanted to share:

-Why couldn't Jesus eat M&Ms?

-Because they kept falling through his hands.

prayforme.

Grocery store.

So today I wore heels, because it wasn't below zero. Also because I felt like wearing heels. This particular pair happens to be my favorite, because they're brown and the perfect height and really (genuinely) comfortable. You know which ones I'm talking about. Not the plaid ones. The other ones.

After I got done having my car battery changed, I went to the Rainbow in Uptown, and I was feeling good. You know, striding a little. Maybe even sauntering. I looked nice. I was actually wearing makeup. Believe it. As I was walking across the front of the store, I suddenly lost my footing and grabbed on to the nearest available item to steady myself.

This happened to be a shopping cart. In a line of other shopping carts. Of which seven rolled away into the sliding doors and made a horrendous crashing noise.

I decided to use a basket for my shopping instead.

Dee-aay-but-tees?

Alert!

Be watching your mail.
I forgot to include a note.
It's from me.
Love you!

A Blaffair to Rememblack.

This is why you miss cold weather.

If this doesn't entice you to return to the frozen North, nothing ever will. This isn't a pair of footie pyjamas as much as it's a sack with feet and sleeves. SEXY.

Flu shot.

"They said it was a flu shot, but I know it was really a truth serum."

"It's not a truth serum."

"Then why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today?"

WHERE'S MY SANDWICH?

I don't know how, but you're going to get me another sandwich. Or I'm going to cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin. YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!

Apology.

I am sorry about what happened with meankeifanthem.

Texas may be bigger, but I'm willing to wager that it is not be better, because:

it does not appear that there are any kitty kliniks here.

Plate or Platter?

Because you, children, are crackheads.

I just watched your favorite episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

The only place where you can make everything "bigger" and pretend that you're not overcompensating for something.

Ok, so it is official. I have 30 days to become a Texan. I am legally required to do these things over the course of the next month, or I will by lynched if I am caught south of the Oklahoma border.
- Purchase & wear a cowboy hat (preferably one that makes my already small head appear miniscule).
- Consistently combine the words "you" and "all" into one word.
- Begin to refer to everything as being "bigger" here. Occasionally throw in "better," for good measure.
- Purchase some kind of firearm (naturally, the "bigger" the better).
- Inform anyone that I know that is not a resident of the Lone Star State that they are not allowed to mess with it. Or me.
- Change my voter registration to Republican.
- Display some kind of Pro-Life statement on my newly acquired Pickup Truck.
- Eat more barbecue.
- Accessorize my new cowboy boots with an oversized belt buckle.
- Eat larger-than-average-sized toast.
- Purchase more shorts.

Well, fortunately for you (and me), I am a proud Midwesterner, and I will not be doing most of these things. Even if this qualifies as "messing with Texas," I am willing to take my chances. I am fine with the oversized toast though. That will be ok.